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July 2, 2005
Malo the Flesh-Eating Turtle From Hell
Action shot of Malo lunging for a finger-shaped carrot.
We've posted this sign on the fence surrounding Malo's pond:
MALO FAQ:
1. WHAT KIND OF TURTLE IS MALO?
A "red-eared slider" -- Trachemys scripta elegans -- which gets its name from the red stripes on either side of its head, and its habit of sliding into the water whenever startled.
He is an aquatic turtle. The species are naturally found in the gulf coast area, predominantly in Texas and Louisiana, but extending into Florida. The pet trade has exported this turtle to every continent on the planet, and people have released these turtles into the wild, so it is now found everywhere -- even in France, where they hate American species, especially Texans.
2. WHY DID YOU NAME YOUR TURTLE "MALO"?
"Malo the Flesh-eating Turtle from Hell" used to be named "Debit", because he is green and Sue is an accountant. After the Unfortunate Incident, he was renamed.
3. IS MALO FRIENDLY?
No.
4. CAN I TOUCH OR PET MALO?
I wouldn't recommend it.
5. DOES MALO BITE?
Yes. All turtles bite. They bite, hold on, and retract their heads into their shells. If you are bitten by a turtle, your finger will end up inside of the turtle. It will seem like an eternity.
6. WHY DO TURTLES BITE?
Because they are all brain stem and bad attitude.
7. DOES A TURTLE BITE HURT?
Yes.
8. HOW MUCH DOES A TURTLE BITE HURT?
Worse than a tax audit with deficiencies, according to Sue.
9. WHAT CAN I DO IF I HAVE IGNORED YOUR ADVICE AND MALO IS CHEWING ONE OF MY BODY PARTS?
Wait for him to become bored or full.
A Mexican folk-remedy says that a braying donkey will cause a turtle to open its mouth. How good is your donkey imitation?
Posted by Sue at July 2, 2005 12:00 AM
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